Waking up in a beach hut under a palm tree. Swimming under waterfalls. Trekking through lush rainforests. Feasting on spicy stir-fries, expertly prepared by toothless grannies in shabby street food shacks. Yes, travelling through Southeast Asia as a backpacker is a dream.
You also bump into backpackers. Most of them are congenial lads and lasses with whom it is pleasant to have a few beers, but sometimes you come across specimens who get in your hair in no time. Life on the road isn’t always a walk in the park. Get to know the 7 types of annoying backpackers you’ll meet in Southeast Asia.
1/ The new age flower child
Self-proclaimed Buddhists who come to the east in a spiritual quest for themselves. Happy to share their version of the Downward Facing Dog or Child’s Pose in elephant-printed harem pants. If possible in public places. Folding yourself into impossible yoga positions, all good and well, but preferably only when they can score some bragging rights. For that same reason, they’ll get a tribal bamboo tattoo – done by a guy who, in between cigarette breaks, pretends to be a monk.
These seekers have the annoying habit of shoving the pseudo-spiritual The Power of Now down the throat of anyone who didn’t ask for it. For those who don’t want to wrestle themselves through 200 pages of mumbo jumbo written by a guy who sat chuckling on a park bench for two years straight, here’s a short summary of the worst excuse ever to log a tree: “You don’t get it, but that’s okay. Everyone has their own spiritual journey and, one day, you will reach the higher level of enlightenment I am at. Maybe, one day.”
If these permanently levitating tinfoil hatters aren’t reading books about New Age, kabbalah or cosmic energy, they probably can’t shut up about their Vipassana retreat. This is somewhat ironic since that’s a ten-day silent meditation. Compared to these fellows, who use the words ‘tantra’ and ‘chakra’ in every sentence, even the hardest working stewardess has both feet firmly on the ground.
Quote: “These people have almost nothing, but they are so happy. They always smile. We can learn a lot from them.”
2/ The drug tourist
When you leave for a jungle trip in the morning, they are hanging in a hammock in front of the adjacent bungalow, a joint casually bungling from their mouth. When you return in the evening, they are still there. A dozen joints later, that is. These backpackers do not choose their destinations because of the beauty of nature, the ancient temples or the exquisite cuisine. No, they base themselves on the cost of drugs. Not that they never go exploring, but they prefer to see even Angkor Wat in a half-baked state. As if world heritage means nothing sober.
Upon arrival in a country, they immediately run to the pharmacy, because “you can buy valium without a prescription here! You must try, dude!” They usually know the local dealers of mind-altering substances before they arrive — or rather, the local dealers will find them effortlessly. Also have the addresses of the best spots to score a magic pizza in Phnom Penh.
These backpackers are usually not bad people, and they’re also less annoying than most on this list. The main problem is that they’re more boring than a comatose Chris Martin and that they seldom realise it themselves.
Quote: “Dude, are you up for a magic milkshake?”
3/ The neocolonialist
Okay, okay, I know: in a way, as Western travellers in Southeast Asia, we’re all neocolonialists. We set sail for distant lands in search of experience and, even if we sometimes object (see point four), we have money. Or at least more than most locals. But – please, take note – that fat bundle of cash doesn’t raise you above them. It’s not because you grow a travel beard that you suddenly have to behave like Leopold II.
The neocolonialists who deserve itchy balls and arms too short to scratch are the ones who treat any local waitress or hotel receptionist like a personal slave, who bark orders, are never satisfied and who freak out when a native doesn’t understand English. They talk about the locals in shameless terms — sometimes even while they can hear it — and make lame jokes.
Quote: “Why do Indonesians wear flip-flops? You need an IQ of at least 50 to tie your shoelaces. Hahahaaaa.”
4/ The haggler
Don’t get me wrong, it’s a game I like to play. Palavering with a market vendor and playfully reaching a price that is acceptable to both of you. Bargaining is part of the local culture. But there’s a subtle difference between haggling for sunglasses or a beautiful sarong – making sure you don’t get ripped off – and negotiating with poverty. The juice isn’t worth the squeeze if you have to talk for half an hour to lower the price of a bottle of water by 10 cents. These are, after all, not the Camp David negotiations.
Extreme hagglers aren’t only a pain in the ass for the locals, but they’re generally unpleasant people to hang out with, the sort of smug buffoons who like to make their fellow backpackers feel bad. Seeing their entire trip as a competition, they enjoy rubbing it in that you paid way too much for your hotel room/green curry/Bintang.
Quote: “What? Did you pay 40 bath for that tuk-tuk ride? You’ve been robbed, buddy.”
5/ The smartphone adventurer
There are armchair travellers, who read about travel but never take the step themselves. And then there are smartphone adventurers, who mainly travel to make everyone at home jealous with an endless stream of overly filtered sunsets. These are the schmucks who grab their smartphone instead of cutlery when their nasi goreng arrives and who subsequently let a whole series of hashtags flow from their thumbs.
Smartphone adventurers barely leave their hostel or hotel, at least not if it has a decent wifi connection. Also, don’t try to strike up a conversation with these social media freaks. Did you seriously think that’s what a bar is for? They will glance up from their screens, give you their most hostile glance before proceeding to tell their mother at home how awesome the hostel bar is.
Quote: “Papaya & Mango 4 Breakfast #blessed #travel”
6/ The pseudo explorer
Every other traveller is a stupid tourist who doesn’t give a damn about the real Cambodia or Laos, who just wants to get drunk quickly on buckets filled with questionable alcohol, but these wannabe Marco Polos experience local life the way the locals do. These big mouths boast loudly about all the remote gems of villages they’ve visited. “You don’t know it? I thought so, it’s very remote. But very authentic.” Yes, they deviate from the beaten track by default. In fact, where they go, there are no paths at all!
These swank pots will berate you for your plans to travel to Thailand (“Too many tourists.”) or Bali (“Flores is much cooler, man, much more authentic!”). They refuse to take an air-conditioned bus and always find “the waterfall even the locals haven’t heard of.” While you, obviously, walked into a tourist trap with open eyes.
Quote: “Cambodia? It isn’t what it was 20 years ago. When I came here for the first time, in 1998, there were no roads here. You better go to Myanmar, that country is really authentic.”
7/ The white saviour
Aka the preacher. Often Dutch, very young, almost always female. These do-gooders cannot shut up about the voluntary work they do. It doesn’t matter if they actually did something useful, what matters is that they boosted their karma points. These messiahs like to act haughty about the choices that other backpackers make. In that respect, they also have traits of numbers 1 and 6.
Quote: “The jungle tours of that travel agency are not ethical. They enter rainforest habitats of the rare Trogonoptera brookiana. You shouldn’t use their services!”
This story first appeared in Dutch on Tom’s travel blog Jalan-Jalan.